[ITALY] UMBRA: A Purposely Bad Screenplay

During my stay in Italy, I took a screenwriting course with professor Christopher Kelly. Our first assignment was to write a purposely bad screenplay. If you happen to know me and my perfectionistic tendencies very well, I'm sure you can understand how this task caused me great anguish. This is besides the fact that I hated horror movies; I suppose that's why I thought it would be easy to write a horrible script based off one: formulaic plot, bad acting, unbelievable motivations, racial and social stereotypes....

Nevertheless, here it is below, in all it's bad glory. I have to admit I sort of liked the idea; I envisioned it as a stop-motion creep-fest ala Brothers Quay. Coincidentally, during my continuing film studies in Prague, I was introduced to the works of the great stop-motion master, Jan Svankmeyer; and much, much later, an oddly similar horror film featuring the homeless, "Street Trash."

If a story about multicolored, man-eating goop can be a success, then perhaps deadly spider-like umbrellas aren't such a bad idea after all.....

UMBRA

“A Purposely Bad Screenplay”

by Tara Rose Stromberg

EXT. NEW YORK SIDEWALK - NIGHT

Rain falls steadily. Puddles are everywhere, some reflecting light from the streetlamps, others dark and seemingly bottomless. PAN over mangled UMBRELLAS strewn about the ground; one is stuck in a garbage can, and another drowned in a pool of rainwater. Camera stops to follow water drips to a store awning above. A car skids by on wet tires with a splash.

Church bells ring in the distance, signaling midnight, as a young couple comes around corner and run sloppily towards camera. They are hidden behind a large, black UMBRELLA, which is blowing furiously in the wind. They are drunk and giddy. They laugh as the camera follows their feet down to ground level. Only their feet are visible.

GUY

C’mon baby...come here....

GIRL

(trying to squirm away)

No! I’ll get wet!

GUY

Oooh, even better!

They giggle, and the guy’s legs wrap around the girl’s high heeled feet, against the wall. Their UMBRELLA drops into frame.

GIRL

Hey! That umbrella’s from Coach!

She bends down slightly to pick it up, her HAND entering the frame slightly. The guy stops her.

GUY

Don’t worry about it. It’s a goner

anyway. Let’s go over to my place

for a hot shower, hmm?

They laugh again and walk off-screen to the left. The shot lingers on the fallen UMBRELLA momentarily, and then PANS to the left to follow the COUPLE as they walk across the street, the UMBRELLA now in the foreground. As the rain batters it, one of the metal wires suddenly TWITCHES.

EXT. STREET - EYELEVEL CU BEHIND COUPLE - (CONTINUOUS)

The camera follows couple from behind as they run, stumble, flirt, and giggle. A SHADOW seems to be unfolding behind them, but they pay no mind. Then, the GIRL stops abruptly.

GIRL

Hey did it stop raining?

(puts her hand out)

Both turn around slowly, the shadow engulfing them. Their faces twist in disbelief, then into horror as the shadow closes in. There are screams and a horrible shrieking and snipping sound. The screen goes BLACK. All is silent but the rain and screaming echo...

EXT. CHINATOWN - CANAN ST. - STOOP - (CONTINUOUS)

A homeless MAN sleeps on a stoop, a tarp wrapped tightly around him. He is surrounded by bits of garbage and large puddles of water. It is raining lightly, and the sun is coming up. The echo of the SCREAM wakes the man, who anxiously peaks out from under his tarp with a look of bewilderment.

He looks around him, then slowly gets up, taking shelter underneath the stoop awning. He listens. All he hears is the rain. He pulls the tarp close to him and huddles closer to the doorway, shivering in fear.

EXT. STOOP - CU OF HOMELESS MAN - LATER

The homeless man is leaning against the doorway of his stoop, asleep, still clutching the tarp. Sounds of SIRENS come closer. His eyes open instantly.

EXT. LONG SHOT OF STOOP - (CONTINUOUS)

Slowly, the man stands up. Cop cars whiz by on the street in front of him. They disappear to the left of the frame, and he looks behind him, then follows.

EXT. FARTHER DOWN STREET - (CONTINUOUS)

The man is walking carefully behind a small crowd of other New Yorkers, ripe from their early commute. They are all trying to peer over eachother to see what’s going on. Camera follows the man as he manuevers his way to the side of the crowd and bends down to look between a business man’s legs.

EXT. VIEW FROM GROUND, THROUGH CROWD’S LEGS - (CONTINUOUS)

A man’s body lays motionless on the street, his legs and arms warped into all impossible directions, his flesh wrapped around a heap of broken bones. A girl lay next to him, only discernable by the high-heeled foot lying next to her head. There are policemen surrounding the crime scene.

COP (OFF-SCREEN)

Hey, you....

EXT. STREET - CROWD - (CONTINUOUS)

The cop is standing directly next to the homeless man’s bent back. The camera follows the MAN up to meet the cop’s face.

COP

C’mon, there’s nothin’ to see ‘ere.

Go scram.

The man backs away willingly, but turns his head once more towards the scene in curiosity. He makes his way over to a group of OFFICERS who are talking.

OFFICER 1

I tell ya, in my ten years as an

officer, I ain’t never seen anything

like this...

OFFICER 2

Why would a killer just leave the

bodies right in the middle of the

street?

OFFICER 3

Well, he seems to be a smart one,

anyways,since there’s absolutely no

evidence period.

OFFICER 3

Yeah, the victims still got their

wallets, jewelry, everything. Only

the umbrella was a little roughened up.

OFFICER 1

Well, with this weather, it doesn’t

surprise me. Isn’t it going on

ten straight days now of this rain?

They all agree, laughing for a bit, looking around at the wet streets. The man stands shyly for a moment, than attempts to speak. The officers notice him, and stand up straight, looking formidable.

HOMELESS MAN

(clearing his throat)

Um, ‘scuse me sir-

OFFICER 1

Hey, now listen, don’t go peddlin’

around here-

HOMELESS MAN

I’m, uh, I’m not lookin’ for no

trouble...

OFFICER 2

Oh yeah, well you’re gonna GET

trouble if you don’t beat it. I

could take you in right now.

HOMELESS MAN

(looks down shyly)

Well, alright, but I thought I

heard something last night, is all.

OFFICER 1

I suggest you head down to the local

shelter, mister, and get yourself some

coffee.

(turns to his buddies, ignoring

the man completely)

The ol’crazy is hearing things now...

The officers laugh together and continue their conversation. The homeless man puts his hand in his tattered pockets and walks away with a sad frown. The rain continues to pour down on him, and he makes his way to a garbage can to reach for a NEWSPAPER. When he picks it up, he realizes it is already soaked. Then he spies something else inside.

EXT. GARBAGE CAN - (CONTINUOUS)

A broken, flower-print UMBRELLA is lying on top of the garbage. It is in bad shape, with wires bent every which way.

EXT. SIDEWALK - (CONTINUOUS)

The man picks up the umbrella and opens it up as far as it can go. He walks away with it shielding his wet head from the rain.

EXT. CANAL STREET - CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

The homeless man is sitting outside of the restaurant with a dirty coffee cup in front him. The tarp is around his body, and he holds the battered umbrella to cover his head from the ongoing rain. He stares at the ground. Feet are walking past him every once and awhile, sloshing into the puddles. A man comes outside the restaurant and brings down the cage. He is locking it when the homeless man stands up. He holds out his cup. The Chinese man turns around.

CHINESE MAN

(with accent)

What you want? No give charity here.

You go now. Or I call cops.

The homeless man looks down solemnly into his cup as he turns away. He walks a couple of steps and hides behind the alley. The Chinese man continues to lock up, and then leaves, taking out an umbrella before going out in the rain.

The man looks around to make sure the coast is clear, then comes out of his hiding spot. He walks to the trash pile at the front of the store and starts to go through it. There are heaps of Chinese food garbage, newspapers, and more broken umbrellas, but no food. Frustrated, the man stands and THROWS down his umbrella, stomping his foot.He sighs, then starts to walk away.

EXT. SIDEWALK – STRAIGHT ON - (CONTINUOUS)

The homeless man is walking towards the camera solemnly, hands in his pockets. Strange NOISES are heard. He STOPS dead in his tracks. Camera TRACKS closer to man as his face twists in fear. He turns around to reveal the flowered UMBRELLA, mangled on the sidewalk, shaking ferociously.

EXT. CU OF HOMELESS MAN – FRONT - (CONTINUOUS)

TRACK in to face quickly. He hears more quick noises of metal scratching asphalt. His head TURNS to the right of frame in a snap. PAN quickly over to the other side of the street, where multiple UMBRELLAS, of different size, shape and condition are quickly moving towards him in a spider-like fashion, their metal legs crawling over the pavement. They are making unrecognizable NOISES.

EXT. OTHER SIDE OF STREET – GROUND LEVEL – (CONTINUOUS)

From behind the moving UMBRELLAS, the camera shows the homeless man running for his life not far ahead, stumbling in the pouring rain and slippery sidewalk. They continue to gain on him like a swarm of bugs.

EXT. SIDEWALK - FRONT OF MAN – (CONTINUOUS)

The camera is tracking out as the man RUNS, a look of horrid distress on his face. He TURNS a corner and disappears out of frame, and the shot remains static. Tons of umbrellas SWARM after him, some even CLIMB the buildings’ walls like spiders on their eight “legs.”

EXT. WASHINGTON BRIDGE – (CONTINUOUS)

Rain is falling over the bridge as the man RUNS out on the on-ramp, gasping for breath. He makes his way over the bridge. The UMBRELLAS begin to CRAWL up the bridge’s columns, and surround the man, who has all but given up.

EXT. BRIDGE – EDGE – MS OF MAN - (CONTINUOUS)

The man is almost on his knees, his BREATHING heavy. He looks at all the umbrellas around him in defeat. Then, a FLASHLIGHT beam suddenly appears. The umbrellas shake in surprise, and immediately stand at attention, ready to pounce.

EXT. BRIDGE – ENTRANCE – (CONTINUOUS)

A FIGURE approaches, masked in darkness, holding the flashlight.

OFFICER 1

Who’s there! Do you know what

time it is?

IT is the officer from earlier that day. His face enters the moonlight.

OFFICER 1

Hey, I know you-

His eyes go wide in horror, as he sees the umbrellas.

What the-

EXT. BRIDGE – EDGE – (CONTINUOUS)

The umbrellas immediately brace to attack, and the homeless man becomes restless. He looks at the officer with deep sympathy.

EXT. BRIDGE – EDGE – MS OF MAN – (CONTINUOUS)

He looks back at his beloved city, covered in a mist of rain, and knows what he must do. With newfound confidence, he OVERTAKES the nearby flowered UMBRELLA with force, and opens it up after much struggling. He then begins to pick off some of the ones nearest to him.

EXT. BRIDGE – EDGE – FACING OFFICER - (CONTINUOUS)

The umbrellas all TURN to the homeless man in panic and rage. They begin to SCUTTLE towards him in a frenzy, as the office WATCHES, dumbfounded.

EXT. BRIDGE – EDGE – FACING MAN - (CONTINUOUS)

The homeless man immediately gets up on the very ledge of the bridge, and taking a last loving look at the cityscape, and at the umbrellas to make sure they follow, he PLUNGES with the umbrella in his hand to the depths of the river. The UMBRELLAS all follow one by one, opening up to float down along with him, until every last umbrella has gone.

Then there is only the sound of the rain.

EXT. BRIDGE – LEDGE – (CONTINUOUS)

The officer RUNS to the ledge with his flashlight, unable to speak. He peers over the side in confusion.

EXT. HARBOR – WATER UNDER BRIDGE – (CONTINUOUS)

There is nothing but floating umbrellas to be seen, and one solitary flowered umbrella as well, to mark the spot where the poor homeless man drowned.

FADE TO BLACK.

EXT. CANAL STREET – GROUND LEVEL - NEXT DAY – (MONTAGE)

The weather is sunny and clear. People pass by as if nothing has happened. They talk and chat happily as their feet frolic on the sidewalks. There are no umbrellas to be seen.

EXT. CANAL STREET – STOOP – (CONTINUOUS)

We see the stoop where the homeless man used to be. There is nothing there but his old tarp and some garbage. A homeless woman comes by slowly, searching the ground. She sees the tarp and picks it up. As she walks on, a radio in the window nearby is heard.

RADIO ANNOUNCER

…And looks like we finally got

some good weather coming our

way. That’s right, no umbrellas

today folks. It’s gonna be a

beautiful day here in the city…

Camera slowly zooms into the pile of garbage, revealing the hook of an umbrella. MUSIC begins to play in a threatening tone, up until…

CUT TO BLACK.

Music abruptly ends.

CREDITS.